Obsessions

i can't stop my brain! i wish i could just stop thinking for a short while... but i can't. it's always food, or school, or weight, or 'why did you do that?' and 'why didn't you do that?'

it's annoying! and the funny thing is life seems so complicated, when it's so darn simple. you either do something, or you don't. you either take a chance, or play it safe. you can better yourself and make yourself worse. it's not like it's anyone elses fault like i'd like to believe.

i'm starting to get obsessed with food. i'm very angry with cookies at the moment, and i got a packet of  exercise and weight-loss tracking/goals/inspiration.

school is a bust, i feel like i'm about to be dropped or just drop out. i have to stop giving up on tough things though... that never works for me. just gotta buckle down and DO IT!

This is how long my hair actually is. It's all choppy and messy and the bangs are little bit shorter... and all of my hair is brown. It's not as stylish as this picture but you get the point, don't you? It's short, shorter than it ever should have to be on a girl who likes long hair! Now I did this to myself because I used to straighten and ruin and dye my hair all the time and I wanted a fresh start... it's a bitter sweet thing.

This is my dream length. It will take me years but if I just... resist! The cutting! I can and will achieve this. I must also not ruin my hair or it won't grow out. I heard if you do absolutely nothing to your hair - no shampoo, no brushing, no hair dryers or touching or fiddling or tying up in any short of weird ponytail - it will grow an inch a month. Hahaa! That would be amazing, but is just not gonna happen. I'm content with 6 inches a year and still feeling at least an ounce of feminism with a clean scalp.

I also learned that your hair doesn't grow as fast as it can because it breaks off; that's how oils and some hair products help grow faster hair. It stops it from breaking off as often which eludes you to think your hair is growing faster. It's not, you're just keeping your old hair! Sheesh, I hate split ends.

Ziggazig Ahh!

I know my inhibitions have been growing forever now, and I'm just sick of them. I'm scared to go out and shake hands with a stranger because of that look they give me - the "you're new here, aren't you?" look. It makes me laugh when I think about it, but it gives me the sickest feeling when it actually happens. Why should that happen? 

It just shouldn't. They're only human, more like me than I might ever realize. They have issues and can probably relate to me more than they can the crappy sitcoms we watch on TV that we think "oh, that totally happens to me all the time." How often do you really walk into a door-frame versus feeling awkward when people look at you funny? I'm not complaining - I'm realizing! I'm seeing that for a split second, my fears of being rejected are silly. I know I can do whatever I want to and it makes me mad when people think they can't. 

I can't be a rockstar.
I can't be pretty.
I can't be popular.
I can't be normal.
I can't be loved.
I can't, I can't, I just can't!


It's that block in your mind that we all get. It's normal, it's lovable and it's pretty darn popular. You feel like there's no point because everything is just going to be the way it was before and after, the world is going to keep spinning even if you somehow fall out of orbit. The sun will keep blazing even if your sunshine has disappeared. What the lucky ones realize is that it doesn't matter if the world keeps spinning - it's the now that matters, your life that really makes a difference. The "if a large tree falls down and crashes in the forest, did it really make a noise if no one heard it?" question is so obvious. Of course it did; just because no one saw it doesn't mean the tree feels any less bad. 


When your heart breaks, if no one cares - it's still broken, and you still need to fix it. Your life is what matters; when you're in love, you feel euphoric - unbelievably happy, and you need to know the feeling is reciprocated. It's not the easiest thing to explain... when a writer writes a story and tries to make sense of fiction, sometimes it becomes dull and lifeless. You need to know why: because life doesn't make sense. When things make sense, they become less exciting and less lifelike. Now that kind of speak will not get you published, but it will make you enjoy writing it. There are a few roadblocks in life that you have to go through - sometimes people call these things "rules" and "laws" and such. But "philosophies" and "bibles" always negate the rules. If a turtle is without a shell, is he naked or homeless?

Regardless, life has meaning. Why would we be given emotions and a conscience if it didn't? We aren't just made to survive, we are made to create and start something new everyday. We can be amazed and impressed and loved and there is nothing that will change that. We can see things that never cross the minds of animals and insects. We are human. We used to walk around naked and no one cared; and it's not Eve's fault that changed. It was a group effort; you still wear clothes, don't you? 

Not that clothes are a bad thing... sometimes they look nice and amuse us with funny things like "I beat anorexia!". Or "I'm with stupid" when there is no one with you. Humor - that's another thing. I believe that's a staple of my life, if there was no laughter life would be pretty dull. There actually might be less of a point... maybe. Probably not, but still. I love watching people break out in dance or just randomly singing to their iPod. I really like it when people don't care who sees. One of my favorite songs is Wannabe by the Spice Girls. LOL. I have a lot of good memories with that song...

And I've rambled. Woop! Just live and forget the reasons, because sense makes life less livable. ;)